8 Most Awkward situations I usually find myself in.

Just the other day I attended a 'Family' party. We all know how exciting these are (yawn). Anyway, I was dragged to this pit of hell by my mother with the promise that I wouldn't have to attend another party the next week. I winced just at the thought of not accepting this deal. So off I went to the place where awkward conversations are not just necessary but quite normal. And even though it's been twenty two years since my birth my relatives are still trying to figure out whether I look more like my mother or my father. Anyway, I took a seat in the far corner of the hall hoping to escape any more cheek pinching hands and judging eye glares and wondered if  anything could be more awkward than the current situation I was in at that point. Turns out there are:

                                      

1. In elevators: Every time I step into a lift and it decides to stop at the floor below,  my gum just gets lodged into my throat. I just never know how to behave. Do I stand in front of the person? I really want to look at my reflection in the mirror behind, will it make the other people uncomfortable? Let me ask them how their day was? Why did I just sound like a duck?
I think it's because secretly we are all guilty. But why? I mean it completely makes sense why humans with perfectly working hands and legs would need carriers to move up and down.

2.When your underwear gets stuck in your butt in a public place: How many times have you gone to the toilet while shopping in a mall just to free your bum. And if you are extremely confident then you probably just did it while shopping putting the people behind you in an awkward position. Most times the washroom, or just any quiet and lonely place is so hard to find that you try to pluck your underwear out by just squirming in it.

3. Mistaking a shopper for the salesperson: Remember those days when you would accidentally dress up in black just like the sales girls at Forever 21 and then get asked  if you had size 12 in the same color. That's when you promise yourself never to wear a black tee with black jeans ever again. It was a bad idea to begin with. On the other hand maybe you mistook someone. In that case, RUN!

4. Forgetting the name of the person you met last week and bumped into again today: It doesn't even have to be last week it could even be last night, some people just don't leave any sort of lasting impression on you. However, letting them know that by even forgetting their name is well sort of awkward.

5. Describing someone as 'that fat girl' to your slightly overweight friend: Now I'm all for all sizes and shapes but sometimes when your friend asks for a description of your professor or even your hairdresser and you can't seem to remember their name (See #4) then physical descriptions do help a lot. Just remember who you are talking to and who you are trying to describe. Sometimes there is a correlation.

6. Telling your mom you are not on Facebook only to receive a friend request from her the next day: 'Pshh Facebook, too mainstream for me', you shrug and tell your mother, secretly wondering how she heard of the website you practically live on.This is one of the reasons why I am no longer active on Facebook, that is besides the obsession with the self it advocates for.

7. Agreeing with your friends when they hate on Justin Beiber music and then get caught singing along to 'Baby Baby': Guilty. Very guilty. You know those things you know you shouldn't do because people you care about will be disappointed in you. Yeah, this is worse than that. Do not give into your desires.

8. When your grandmother walks in on you when the only sexual scene in the entire movie is being played on your TV: So you decide to watch a non cheesy- war-action kind of a movie and your grandmother pops in but you don't pause the movie because you know, you are confident that you are safe. And then without a warning it appears on the screen. The 'oohs' and 'aahs' filling in the awkward silence just makes it worse.

And just as I try to think of a more awkward situation I could be in just to make myself feel better I see an old relative approaching. I should have spent all that time thinking of escape routes from awkward situation. Maybe another time.

The Villain at the Movies.

I haven't posted in a really long time but every nerve in my body is screaming out and until I type this down it threatens to continue. 

I have been frolicking around this past week. Why? Because it's Spring Break!

Well, I guess I should stop getting too happy now because today is the last day of my only holiday this semester. Sigh!

Anyway, this break I decided to frolic around in the movie theater. Honestly, I go to the theater to hog on the awesome movie theater food (it should have a name, it's a cuisine on its own I think) besides watching a movie. 

Usually, I order nachos with salsa which I refuse to share with anyone (and I know will end up half eaten under my chair), a huge glass of Pepsi and place myself on a seat.

 Now, somehow, I do not know how I end up sitting on the side of a stranger. That is okay with me, I have no problems with silent, mum   (dead) strangers until  I realize that they are breathing.

The movie is about to start and I'm all excited sitting on my seat, stuffing nachos with salsa into my mouth without even looking down ( until a jalapeno accidentally pops into my mouth) and this boy sitting next to me decides to sing along as the opening credits music is going on. So, I laugh to myself because that stops me from breaking the boy's neck. The one man choir, sitting next to me decides to not only sing along but hum to every tune that is being played in the movie (yes, it was a Hindi movie).

This one time, when I was finally having a peaceful 1.5 hours at the movies, the guy next to me decides to open his mouth to breathe. And Oh, the sweet smell of a human mouth shut for the last 1.5 hours. That's why you are supposed to eat popcorn, or nachos or crepe or something.I wanted to sew my nostrils together!!

The worst time I had when I was sitting next to a person who  thought he had bought tickets for two seats. One for each butt cheek I suppose. Or maybe I was leaning on the side opposite to him so much that felt he sad for amount of space I was wasting.

One major dilemma I face sitting next to a stranger is the handle of my seat, which one belongs to me? Once I placed my hand on the handle that I was sharing with my neighbor when he accidentally put his hand on mine. Who do you blame? The interior designer of the theater, the creator of watching a movie in the dark concept or the supposedly innocent creep sitting next to me?

Frustrating! Is this worth the money?

I guess this is why piracy is on the rise...

The Virtual Binoculars

Wheeee! 

I stared at that word for 5 minutes now WAITING for some sort of inspiration to strike me. 

Magically, it seems I've capitalized the word waiting. I guess there must be some deeper meaning as to why my hands without any prior notice seem to have jumped on the caps lock key and capitalized that word. Maybe it's because I'm waiting for something and am afraid to admit to myself what it is.

Or, or maybe it's all this studying for my Psychology midterm this week that has played with my tangled brain nerves (the last time I studied biology was in grade 10) and now I'm over focusing on myself. As a side note, my book says that over focusing ones attention on oneself leads one into depression. 

                                                     

Anyway, I think I've been obsessing over way too many things this week (including my usage of the word one). It's actually just one thing, one person but that's all I can say for now. The person is lovely and also does not know of my obsession with him which kind of makes me feel like a STALKAAHH!

Let me spell it right for people oblivious to what I like to call my secret talent (not so much of a secret now I suppose). People cannot be oblivious to it it's impossible (yes, Audrey Hepburn it is impossible) since innocently viewing someone's profile on facebook also qualifies as stalking. And people with no facebook profiles I guess nobody really cares about your existence on the planet.

Ever tried "googling: yourself ? You totally should, it's a form of over focusing on yourself (beware of the lurking depression) but it'll help you remove, delete, erase all the information out there that you wouldn't want your over curious mother, brother or boyfriend to come across. 

Internet as much as we argue has limited our privacy, also helps us figure out if that cute guy in class has a girlfriend or if that stuck up professor has some dirty skeletons in the closet. The amount of information I've gathered about people I've been interested in romantically or otherwise is massive. 

Internet stalking is like entering into a persons house, opening their wardrobe and shuffling through their bare necessities. Even though I openly admit I'd rather indulge in the latter. (:P)

                                         

The Restroom Dilemma

Apparently a Bangladeshi woman garnered up the most fines in Dubai for speeding in the last three months. The amount came up to a staggering two hundred thousand Dirhams and I couldn't help but wonder if she was driving the bat mobile by any chance. She was probably being chased by a stalker or maybe the brakes in her car have broken and she's still driving around Dubai collecting fines. The rules people break and the price they must pay.

I am not really a rule follower or a law breaker but ever since I started university I've broken a lot of them and made quite a few new ones. For instance, my aversion towards public restrooms. I had made this pact (ofcourse with myself, I cannot imagine who would care about my restroom habits) to never use anything in a public restroom except for the mirrors. But since my entire life now revolves around my university I had to enter the forbidden territory. And the price that I have to pay. Sigh.

As a kid the first place my family would enter in a mall would be the restroom, something about being excited I think that made my mother and sister pee. I felt the same way when it was time to open gifts or when I was allowed to play on the computer.

Anyway, their tiny bladders would always lead us to the restroom where I would be found waiting outside listening to tunes which for some reason are not considered to be an obstruction of privacy.

That is one of my problems with the public restrooms, the cubicles which have been very intelligently left open from the bottom and top. 

Why? Because the toilet inhabitants would like to exchange things while committing their "dailies" in the washroom or because sometimes people would just like to peek into their neighbors cubicle out of curiosity. The only thing that manages to make it out of those open spaces are compromising sounds which will help you determine what the person entering the cubicle is actually doing in there. The thought of it makes me conscious.

I'm not really the kind of person who wouldn't take a sip from a straw that my friend used but to sit on the toilet seat that a stranger just used, that's another story. My mother came up with an awesome idea,  to cover the seat with tissue papers (Hah). The idea is awesome unless you spray water on the tissue paper by mistake and instead of being stuck to the seat the paper is stuck to your behind. So we found another solution which is the toilet seat cover also known as the "ass gasket" which I would suggest everyone must use.

Also while you are on the seat it's best to shut your nose and even eyes ( if you have the worst luck ever and find yourself in an Indian airport toilet) because some people think it's their private restroom and consider it to be the duty of other citizens to clean behind them.

The only thing that's at rest in the pestroom restroom is my bladder the rest of my senses are only waiting to scram out of the cubicle into a wide open space with fresh clean air.

You know that feeling you get when someone talks about red ants and you can feel them crawling all over you, I think I can smell one of the worst restroom's I had ever stepped foot on. That must be my cue to stop.

P.S.I would share a very interesting toilet incident with you but that would make my blog stink, so maybe in private. Also more about the toilet seat cover at : Toilet Gasket

Skeletons in the closet.

The other day I came across a rather shocking article on the MSN homepage regarding Hollywood stars moving into acting after a short stint in the adult movies industry. On top of their list was Cameron Diaz who was apparently making home movies at the age of 19. The article also happened to mention the efforts made by the people concerned in keeping the tape private but obviously in the Internet age hardly anything can ever be private anymore. So I guess not everybody is what they seem, no matter what you do to keep it in, the truth about you always bursts out through the door.

Like my clothes for example. I prefer to think I dress well, ironed clothes, prim and proper. Nobody would ever doubt that the clothes are picked from a huge mountain of lost dresses, tights, sweatshirts (for the not so perfect days) and jeans. It actually takes me 20 minutes to dig through the closet for the right dress, another 20 minutes to iron it so that its crisp and crease free and finally it adorns my body. (Closing my wardrobe filled with colorful skeletons also chalks up quite a bit of time).

I remember watching this cartoon called "The Kids Next Door" where these five kids have to save a friend from drowning in his closet that is filled with hordes of clothes. That drowning kid defines me.

It's not something I'm very proud of, it's like a secret part of my life that needs immediate addressing. But once I'm home tired and lazy all I can think of is sitting on my bed with a bowl of ice cream and watching some "feel - good" movies. Hanging my clothes neatly on the hanger stands in the way of all of this. So in the hurry to get comfortable I just yank open the door, throw in my clothes and close it before my mind fully registers the plight of my wardrobe caused by my utter laziness.

I try not to think about it until the next morning when I have to drown myself in last nights skeletons that I threw in, my mother throws a racket when she sees the mess but I'd rather take her nagging than pickup my clothes. I also have to put in an extra effort to cover up my mess because certain nosy guests love to open my wardrobe as a part of their investigation (No I did not kill your dog!).

It's a disease, keeping my wardrobe clean just doesn't come naturally to me. It's a talent that can be acquired and it is a lot of hard work for those that are not gifted.

Some days I feel a wave of encouragement and enthusiasm surge in me to clean up the mess ( it's usually to avoid some other time consuming work) but a few outings later my mini Everest of clothes starts to rise again.

Truth is, it might take me awhile to find the right clothes for the day in the clutter but it takes me even longer when its hanging neatly on the rack. Nobody understands that and fact is neither do I.

Some of us just find discipline in the mess and as long as it's within the four walls of the wardrobe it shouldn't really hurt anyone. 

Unless of course someone opens it, for such emergencies I have "The Kids Next Door" on speed dial. No worries.

P.S. When I said shocking article I hope you sensed the subtle sarcasm. Also, if you are curious to know who the other celebs that made it to that list are then here's the link

From Adult Movies To Acting

Dealing with being a "twenty something".

So the time has come. The time has literally come when I call myself a "twenty something". Just had my first reality check when I asked someone how old they were and they replied by saying "twenty something". It occurred to me that it was time to hide my age with vague replies, shove it under the mat, under the bed where all scary things reside.

 Until now I never really understood the whole hype that comes with women hiding their age or much worse lying about it. As a teenager I always considered it to be quite cowardly, why can't people face who and what they are? Ofcourse then I was in the ideal situation, the perfect age, the perfect craze. Hah. Teenage years are anything but perfect.

As a young adult, things are literally beginning to hit me (Wham!) in the face. I must hide my age, protect my identity.

"How old are you now, beta?", an Indian aunt favorite. I really don't know how my age is a measure of anything much less maturity, trust me I have friends who behave like they just got out of playschool.

What exactly can you determine from a women's age? How pretty she is despite of her age, ah maintenance. How young her kids are even though she is quite old, ah career oriented. How she is still unmarried even though years are piling up on her, ah ugly. It's madness, utter madness.

For me my age is just a reminder of how much time I've wasted doing nothing substantial. I'm "twenty something" after all I must have some records of my own besides sitting on all five big thrills at Disneyland in one day. Yes, five. Crazy, huh?
Well I guess until " twenty something" you are only preparing for "twenty something plus one" that's when all the real stuff happens.
Friends getting married, and I keep emphasizing this in almost every blogpost because they are getting married! Getting a job is another one, the perils of finding one and living with it. I have yet to decide what career path I want to take up on. Yes, I am almost an engineer and no, its not necessary that I either end up as an engineer in a company or as a businesswoman of some engineering firm, I could also be a scientist or a professor. However, my mother wouldn't be very happy, according to her too much studying leads to hair loss. I was under the assumption that hair loss was weather or stress related and as much as I hate to sound like some character from The Big Bang Theory, studying does not stress me out. Judge me. Also, I hate that Einstein does very little to support my argument with my mother.

Moroever, with age I feel even more judged, my intelligence, my beauty, my attitude everything is being "x- ray"ed (like Kim Kardashian's butt, that still cracks me up. Oh the irony!). People think that as a "twenty something"you must let go of your childish habits. Apparently, the learning phase is beyond you, now it's time to apply. I disagree.
My wardrobe is still a mess, I still play video games, Disneyland is still my favorite place on planet earth and I still love all sorts of funky candies.

Growing up does not mean I have to let go of everything that makes me who I am. Just because I morphed from a teenager to an adult doesn't mean I suddenly turn into a Ms. Know-It-All. I still have a lot to learn, friends to make, and fetishes to discover.

As a "twenty something" I might look different and might be perceived differently but my core feels just the same.

P.S. In memory of my 21st birthday. Also, beta is Hindi for child. And the Kim Kardashian incident, oh you must google it for a laugh.

What's in a name?

I remember as a teenager my main aim was to be loved, to have the most friends ever, to be popular, cool, rad whatever adjective you were aspiring to be. It's so silly that as teenagers we are so occupied with trying to be different, listening to music we despise, to fit into a group that will never like us and doing lots of other things that at present make my skin cringe.
I tried my hand at a lot of things in the attempt to be different and possibly with the desire to attract friends like honey attracts bees. I tried to dance when undoubtedly I was so bad at it; I am actually haunted by its memory till date. I also sang a song with sound effects for a competition, surprisingly I won but I bet it was more for the comedy than talent. Okay! I'm bleeding with embarrassment. 

So parents, who are obviously obsessed with the well being of their children have now found an absurd way to make their children seem cool from the very first day of their lives. By giving them special names. I'd say ridiculous, but treating your cat like your little sister is ridiculous to many, so I'm going to try and be open minded. Apparently, these names are going to help us fit in. Wrong.

When was the last time someone came up to you at school and said," Wow! I think you have a beautiful name, let's be friends"? That is, with the plain reason to just be your friend and nothing more. A good name might not affect your social life in any way but a bad name might.

I honestly was not really happy with the name that I was given. Not my first name, my second name. I don't really get the idea of having a second name, seriously what is the purpose of it? If anyone comes up with a good reason, please let me know, I need to defend myself when people ask me the same. It's highly embarrassing for me, especially when people ask me if my second name is my dad's name. I don't blame my parents for giving me a second name, if I had any sense as a baby I'd probably scream out in protest, even though most people tell me my name is not even half as embarrassing as many others that have come up in recent times. So I decided to Google, "special names for babies" just to make myself feel better and did I come across the weirdest names ever.

Naming a baby girl He is not normal unless her parents are gay. Virgin, seriously! I cannot imagine to what extent this poor child will be bullied. Gal for a baby boy, these parents’s might as well give lessons on bullying to children because it seems to be exactly what they are doing to their child.

Another popular notion believed by many parents is that the name you give a child affects their personality. I actually know a couple who named their daughter Nimrah which is Arabic for lion, and apparently because of the profound effect her name had on her she ate like an animal so eventually they decided to change her name. It could be hereditary no? 

I however, feel that people represent their names, Hitler for example. The name probably had a different initial meaning or did not have a meaning at all but post Hitler era it does. Hitler defines someone with tyrannical characteristics, weird as it may seem I don't see anyone naming their child Hitler to disprove.

I can't change the perception and thoughts of the present parent, the damage is sadly done, but I most certainly can of the future parent. At the end of the day your name is your identity.

P.S.Not all names are horrendous and degrading, I personally love the name Blade. Also, my blog address is the meaning of my name and essenze is not a typo it's a deliberate attempt at being different. Not much has changed. Sigh.

The brain has no muscles, yet it exercises amazingly well.

The lazy habit of thinking. I actually think of it as lazy, because I often find myself resorting to it when I am absolutely bored or disinterested. Here's what I think are the top 8 places where sloths like me juice our brain.

8. While watching mindless television : I think this sort of television is aimed at an audience that can't or doesn't want to think, but in fact it makes people think. Most of the times I end up worrying for the sanity of people on these shows especially the reality tv shows.Sigh.

7.Traffic/Queues : The excruciating pain we go through while standing in line or waiting in traffic. All sorts of sadistic thoughts pass by my mind like, why couldn't these people bang each other's cars after I passed by? Or, I wish I could shoot the people in front of me and walk over their corpses to the beginning of the line. 

6.Family functions : How did I allow myself to walk into the torture room. However, thanks to the fake giggles, outrageous ice breakers ,small talk and amazing food I never run out of entertaining thoughts, especially when it involves someone falling down and dragging another along with them.True story.

5.Exams : While studying for them or writing them suddenly things seem a lot interesting. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the fact that everything interesting is timed by God to match your exam timetable, but I just cannot keep my mind on my books. Suddenly the color of my walls, shape of my sister's toe and the minute particles dancing in my balcony seem quite entertaining.

4. Salon/Barber : Takes my mind to the relaxing and imaginative beaches of Maldives, especially while having a haircut or a manicure. Definitely not while waxing or threading, I'm just concentrating on PAIN then. So I'm in Maldives enjoying my vacation, and 'snap', suddenly I'm asked to tilt my head in an extremely awkward position. After that all I can think about is how my haircut has turned out.

3.Before sleeping : Darkness, quiet and loneliness, best time to talk to self. Most of my life's decisions essentially the bad ones are made at night. I usually sing myself to sleep, most people I've heard cry themselves to it. I also keep worrying about the monster who lives under my bed ready to grasp my feet even if a small portion of my toe is visible to it.

2.While sleeping : It so happens that my brain refuses to do what it's supposed to at night, sleeping of course. Amusing though is the fact that the answers to all the hard problems on my exam I had that morning occur to me when I'm supposed to be half dead. Then again maybe, it was my classroom where I was half dead. Hmm. 

1.Bathroom/Toilet/Inspiration space : Ever heard of Archimedes, he's the man who discovered the "Archimedes Principle"  in a bathroom while he was taking a bath. Apparently he ran naked in the streets screaming Eureka on his discovery. Just like Archimedes, most of my amazing thoughts are formulated in the bathtub or for most people on the toilet seat, hopefully nobody leaves their unfinished job in the toilet and makes a run for it in excitement. As a matter of fact I've finished this entry in my washroom.

P.S. for those interested Archimedes principle states that a body immersed in a fluid experiences a buoyant force equal to the weight of the fluid it displaces.Food for thought, something you can think about in one of the above mentioned places.