Bittersweet delight

At the top of my head, a million things. A few disdain, most exciting each taking up great amount of space in my cluttered mind. A great amount of my brain power is being used up fearing tomorrow. Fear intertwined with excitement with a slight pinch of a delightful feeling. That ecstatic feeling, the overwhelming jumps in your stomach; people say its mice some say its butterflies. My mind hasn't settled on a favorite yet though mice scrambling anywhere in or out of my body does make me cringe.

I'm trying to organize out of habit more than anything else but right now I'm not even sure who I am. The things I was so used to doing, my way of living life is slowly slipping away from my fingers.

Slipping away from your fingers, a negative connotation attached to this phrase. I'm glad that the life I lived, the way I was used to living it has escaped every clawing finger that is addicted to familiarity. Unfamiliar, that describes the past few months of my life. Walking into unknown territory, keeping a brave face on. I hope with all the restored sanity in me that I am doing a pretty good job.

The sun is trying to light my face on fire so I duck because I know its relentless and will stop at nothing. The tiring heat helps me drift into a spiral of thoughts sort of like a never ending domino effect, one thought leads to another. You are never alone if you have your thoughts for company and so I continue to have a conversation with myself shamelessly.

The patches of green trying hard to stand out among the vast golden desert that is passing by me. And suddenly I'm observing myself, the sudden gush of happiness, the roaring confidence, peace that hope brings along with itself. I'd never felt so happy than I was at that particular moment. I was fully aware that the moment was fleeting and it would soon be replaced with the fear that my undetermined future brings. 

But the effect was lasting, must be something to do with groundless happiness. No reason yet you smile free from the fear of having it  taken away.

I want to stay here for long, for long as I'm alive if possible. It's taken me ages to find my way here and as I put my walls up I realize it might take ages for someone to get to me. 

Red Blues and Colorful hues

I always fear for myself. Worrying that tomorrow I might not be as happy as today, won't wake up to the glowering sun shining in my face. What if I end up living the rest of my life with someone I cannot love or worse with someone who does not love me? Will these fears ever leave my bedside for if I am looking for freedom in its true sense then I must let these fears go, ride away in the darkness with all that inhibits me.

It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact reason as to why this particular emotion, love is so important to me. I feel like I'm walking and this person comes and stands in front of me so I move right and the person mimics my steps and blocks me again. 

I flashback to when I was fourteen young and naive, oblivious to strong feelings in fact I found it funny, to be in love crazy enough to let your sights wander from your actual aim whatever it might be. I still find it funny, absurd and silly most of us do and yet we allow it to manifest within ourselves. Keep chasing after it in reality and in dreams. Though the idea of love in reality seems quite unreal. A realist is hardly ever a romantic and love hardly ever a reality. Love's probably an extension of dreams maybe even a prequel but definitely not reality, it feels surreal and once it's over you scramble to hold onto the remains to assure yourself that it did happen.

Reality is too mundane to be associated with love and love too heart wrenching to be called a dream so we are caught up in between fighting to be free.

P.S. I blame it on Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, movies that carry sweet melancholia on their back. Must watch.

Cultural Infestation.

When someone tells me that so and so is beautiful my brain automatically forms an image of a pretty girl with nice flowing hair, fair skin, thin with shining eyes and a glowing smile. My mind is programmed to think so, I'm sure all of us are. Never have I substituted beauty for a young girl with a confident smile, courageous eyes that show that they've been through enough pain, smile that exuberates modesty and intelligence that promises a great future. 

Why am I suddenly realizing the error in my ways, trying to uproot what has settled so firmly in the very core of my being?

Very recently my mother and her aunt arranged a proposal for her cousin brother. A cousin brother who according to them is quite the eligible bachelor. So after asking around they found a girl who according to the word of mouth (otherwise known as the written word) is doll-like. I am going with present tense because I have not really seen her to pass any judgement. So the whole family and when I say whole you must imagine a room full of people set out to examine and judge the doll. 

This aspect of arranged marriages makes me cringe where the girl dresses up, cakes up half the world's makeup and plasters a less than natural smile on her face. The boy's family arrives, leaves the should-be couple to talk for as long as they want while they sit outside interrogating and making up awkward questions.  
So they finally leave and on their way home pass the most snide and rude comments ever. I know and I'm sure you do too because so many times we've either heard them or unfortunately even been a part of these conversations. 

The end result of this entire setup was just a comment. The girl is darker than she appeared in her photograph and too thin with no figure and personality. Apparently she wasn't as doll-like as previously suggested.

No offence to anybody but God in my perspective. It's like you put in so much effort to make something and someone less than ordinary comes along to criticize your work.

What angers me though is that beauty has somehow attached itself only to the physical aspect of a person and the only aspect to be considered when you meet a woman. I am not saying that we should give up on looking good. No! In fact we should all make an effort to look good because it undoubtedly boosts our confidence and let's face it people do look at us differently. 

According to me people who make an effort to look good and dress well are generally happy and positive people compared to people who just pick up their stinky clothes found under the bed and walk around with unwashed faces and last nights eating overdose still decorating their cheeks ( we all do this when we are depressed, don't we?)

In addition to looking good you spend considerable amount of time building up good character and a great life and someone comes along criticizing you for things beyond your control like skin color and metabolism, well just be glad that you did not end up with them!

 I've also seen people criticizing brides when they come for their wedding. Oh your lipstick color is disgusting, your dress color is so light, your makeup is too heavy or your hair is too made up. 

Even men are not spared on this day. Oh the poor girl did not deserve such an ugly man! Its like a rose and a cauliflower, do not make a pair. Though I must say that men take criticism much better than women especially when it comes to a beautiful face.

The word ugly is dispensable and depreciating. We think that we are just whispering to our friend or  telling our relatives what we honestly think of the girl. But remember the word of mouth travels faster than any mode of transportation available to us.

If you are not attracted to someone it's fine, say so but pointing out flaws and discussing them with other people is just evil. 

A compliment on physical beauty is the greatest confidence booster and sometimes a motivating life changer. An insult on the other hand shuns people into the deepest pit of depression surrounded by low self esteem and self worth. And I've literally seen this happen, people's comments lead a nice girl into marrying the first guy that comes her way irrespective of anything in order to escape any more shattering comments.

The organ in our body that does more harm to others than good is our tongue. So let's use our words to make lives beautiful and not to torment others. 

Besides what attracts us to someone is beauty enough whether it's physical or emotional. When you really like someone it's anyway hard to pinpoint the reason why and I would hate to have only pretty face as a plus point to talk about.

The Language of Flowers...

There are many human emotions that I've never gone through and many that I will probably never go through. It makes it hard for me to identify with people that do, hard to put myself in their shoes, nod my head in approval or be able to find an excuse for the madness that their feeling might eventually lead to.

The most alien feeling to me is that of not belonging, of being abandoned by the very people that are the reason for your existence. Moving from one foster home to another, one dysfunctional family to another hoping to find something to prove you wrong that not all people ride on the back of the devil that evil lives alongside good that one does not exist without the other.

Good books have an impact on me that I can only try to describe. I'm sitting on my bed with cushions and teddy bears surrounding me relaxing and the next thing I find myself on the street, evicted out of my house because I'm eighteen and am expected to have money to fend  for myself. I am no longer the child looking for love, I'm now the orphan that believes in anything but love.

The Language of Flowers , a book as beautiful as its title suggests. The feeling of being homeless, unloved and socially awkward are ignited in me by this book. But the main thing that this book taught me is that words are not the only way to express your feelings. 

My heart breaks for Victoria, an orphaned adult who battles with feelings of love and misanthropy. Her silenced lost words are made up for by her love for flowers which she uses to convey her every emotion. The impact that her flowers have on people leads her to become a popular wedding florist. 

Each flower represents one word, one very powerful word that combines all your feelings into an aromatic plucked flower.

 After I was done with the book which I must say intertwines the meaning of flowers with Victoria's life and secrets beautifully I wanted to know if this dictionary was authentic. To my surprise and delight the dictionary of flowers is very much authentic and widely referred to.

So, I decided I'd substitute greeting cards with flowers. Giving greeting cards on any occasion kind of feels like a duty, without it my gift seems incomplete. Most times I don't even know or remember what was written inside the card. With flowers its different, there's a lot of thinking that goes into giving one and the message is profound and meaningful.

It's true ofcourse that flowers will eventually wither away and die compared to hardbound greeting cards but just like the aroma many people leave in our lives the meaning of these flowers and how they make their recipient feel lives on way beyond their death. 

Hawthorn, Hazel and Baby's Breath surrounded by Forget- Me- Not's just for you...

P.S. Here's the dictionary that you can use to convey your words to a loved one : Dictionary of Flowers.