At the top of my head, a million things. A few disdain, most exciting each taking up great amount of space in my cluttered mind. A great amount of my brain power is being used up fearing tomorrow. Fear intertwined with excitement with a slight pinch of a delightful feeling. That ecstatic feeling, the overwhelming jumps in your stomach; people say its mice some say its butterflies. My mind hasn't settled on a favorite yet though mice scrambling anywhere in or out of my body does make me cringe.
I'm trying to organize out of habit more than anything else but right now I'm not even sure who I am. The things I was so used to doing, my way of living life is slowly slipping away from my fingers.
Slipping away from your fingers, a negative connotation attached to this phrase. I'm glad that the life I lived, the way I was used to living it has escaped every clawing finger that is addicted to familiarity. Unfamiliar, that describes the past few months of my life. Walking into unknown territory, keeping a brave face on. I hope with all the restored sanity in me that I am doing a pretty good job.
The sun is trying to light my face on fire so I duck because I know its relentless and will stop at nothing. The tiring heat helps me drift into a spiral of thoughts sort of like a never ending domino effect, one thought leads to another. You are never alone if you have your thoughts for company and so I continue to have a conversation with myself shamelessly.
The patches of green trying hard to stand out among the vast golden desert that is passing by me. And suddenly I'm observing myself, the sudden gush of happiness, the roaring confidence, peace that hope brings along with itself. I'd never felt so happy than I was at that particular moment. I was fully aware that the moment was fleeting and it would soon be replaced with the fear that my undetermined future brings.
But the effect was lasting, must be something to do with groundless happiness. No reason yet you smile free from the fear of having it taken away.
I want to stay here for long, for long as I'm alive if possible. It's taken me ages to find my way here and as I put my walls up I realize it might take ages for someone to get to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment