Just the other day I attended a 'Family' party. We all know how exciting these are (yawn). Anyway, I was dragged to this pit of hell by my mother with the promise that I wouldn't have to attend another party the next week. I winced just at the thought of not accepting this deal. So off I went to the place where awkward conversations are not just necessary but quite normal. And even though it's been twenty two years since my birth my relatives are still trying to figure out whether I look more like my mother or my father. Anyway, I took a seat in the far corner of the hall hoping to escape any more cheek pinching hands and judging eye glares and wondered if anything could be more awkward than the current situation I was in at that point. Turns out there are:
1. In elevators: Every time I step into a lift and it decides to stop at the floor below, my gum just gets lodged into my throat. I just never know how to behave. Do I stand in front of the person? I really want to look at my reflection in the mirror behind, will it make the other people uncomfortable? Let me ask them how their day was? Why did I just sound like a duck?
I think it's because secretly we are all guilty. But why? I mean it completely makes sense why humans with perfectly working hands and legs would need carriers to move up and down.
2.When your underwear gets stuck in your butt in a public place: How many times have you gone to the toilet while shopping in a mall just to free your bum. And if you are extremely confident then you probably just did it while shopping putting the people behind you in an awkward position. Most times the washroom, or just any quiet and lonely place is so hard to find that you try to pluck your underwear out by just squirming in it.
3. Mistaking a shopper for the salesperson: Remember those days when you would accidentally dress up in black just like the sales girls at Forever 21 and then get asked if you had size 12 in the same color. That's when you promise yourself never to wear a black tee with black jeans ever again. It was a bad idea to begin with. On the other hand maybe you mistook someone. In that case, RUN!
4. Forgetting the name of the person you met last week and bumped into again today: It doesn't even have to be last week it could even be last night, some people just don't leave any sort of lasting impression on you. However, letting them know that by even forgetting their name is well sort of awkward.
5. Describing someone as 'that fat girl' to your slightly overweight friend: Now I'm all for all sizes and shapes but sometimes when your friend asks for a description of your professor or even your hairdresser and you can't seem to remember their name (See #4) then physical descriptions do help a lot. Just remember who you are talking to and who you are trying to describe. Sometimes there is a correlation.
6. Telling your mom you are not on Facebook only to receive a friend request from her the next day: 'Pshh Facebook, too mainstream for me', you shrug and tell your mother, secretly wondering how she heard of the website you practically live on.This is one of the reasons why I am no longer active on Facebook, that is besides the obsession with the self it advocates for.
7. Agreeing with your friends when they hate on Justin Beiber music and then get caught singing along to 'Baby Baby': Guilty. Very guilty. You know those things you know you shouldn't do because people you care about will be disappointed in you. Yeah, this is worse than that. Do not give into your desires.
8. When your grandmother walks in on you when the only sexual scene in the entire movie is being played on your TV: So you decide to watch a non cheesy- war-action kind of a movie and your grandmother pops in but you don't pause the movie because you know, you are confident that you are safe. And then without a warning it appears on the screen. The 'oohs' and 'aahs' filling in the awkward silence just makes it worse.
And just as I try to think of a more awkward situation I could be in just to make myself feel better I see an old relative approaching. I should have spent all that time thinking of escape routes from awkward situation. Maybe another time.